Checking out the Mistress

"You need to check out the mistress," cautions Infidelity Advice, "because you need to know what kind of woman your husband is dealing with!"

Sketching a scary scenario that starts with Steve McNair, this blog slips into "stranger danger" mode, warning unsuspecting wives not to accept licked lollipops from loose ladies:

Your life, his life, your children’s lives and financial well-being may depend on the kind of information you find and how you use what you know.

Especially if he’s dealing with someone who has ulterior motives, or who is emotionally fragile or mentally unstable.

Exactly who is this woman?

Does she live in your neighborhood? In your city or town? In another city or state?

How old is she?
Young women in their late teens or early 20’s, like McNair’s mistress, Sahel Kazemi tend to be unpredictable.

Several years ago, Joey Buttafucco’s young mistress, Amy Fisher, went to Joey’s home and shot his wife in the head.

What will she do if your husband tries to leave her?
Will she go off the deep end and try to harm him, you, or your children?

Will she try to destroy your house, car, place of business or other personal property?

Is she mean-spirited? Hot-tempered? Vindictive?
If he leaves her, will she try to get back at him in some way?

Back in the 80’s Jean Harris went to her lover Herman Tarnower’s home, and shot and killed him.

And we see what happened this month with Sahel Kazemi and Steve McNair.

Does she have a history of violence?
Will she attempt to harm you, your husband, or your children if things don’t go her way?
Do you need get an order of protection?

Back in the 80’s Jean Harris went to her lover Herman Tarnower’s home, and shot and killed him.

Is she a stalker?
Will she harass you, your children, or other members of your family?

Does she have a reputation as a home wrecker? Or a history of dating married men?

What are her motives?

Is she out for just a fling, fun and games, a good time?

Is she a gold digger with a reputation for going after wealthy or prominent men for money, gifts, favors, and whatever else she can get?

Is she looking for a steady meal ticket? Will she attempt to get pregnant by your husband so she can collect child support?

Or is she in love with your husband, and is trying to get him to divorce you and marry her?

If she succeeds in getting your husband to move in with her, or to divorce you to marry her, you may be able to sue her for alienation of affections, depending on the state where you live.

Does she own a home, a business, a car, boat, or property of some kind.?
Does she have enough assets to make a lawsuit worth your while?

If it’s a workplace affair, will she try get your husband fired, or ruin his reputation by charging him with sexual harassment on the job?

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
How far would she go to even the score?
Would she accuse yoour husband of rape?

Is she promiscuous? Does she sleep around?
Do your and your husband need to be tested for HIV/AIDS?

As you can see from the tragic death of Steve McNair, it pays to know who your husband is dealing with.

(Besides, if he’s been seeing her for a while, you might be surprised to find out how much she knows about you.)

While it may be very flattering to think that the poor, forsaken wife is so spooked by the ghosts of what she imagines the "Other Woman" to be, it does strike a warning bell. Not for nothing is this blog warning of mental health issues - the discarded wife reading the posts is hardly a poster child for mental stability, and may well take the advice of stalking the mysterious Other Woman to heart, hunting her down - with potentially dangerous results.

On the other hand, she may simply get a stronger prescription from her doctor.

Why Wives Stay After Discovering Infidelity

Elsewhere, we've looked at Why Men Stay, and why (or why not) they might leave, but here I'd like to consider the other side of the coin. Assuming his wife has the slightest hint of a brain cell, and managed to work out that he has someone else, why would she stay with him?

Infidelity Advice goes into that most unfathomable of places, the brain (or what passes for such) of the betrayed wife who chooses to stay with her unfaithful husband, to explore why she does so.
They find 12 reasons:

· For the sake of the children

This we've seen before, as one of the reasons Men Stay - though interestingly enough, the husband's fear of leaving often involves losing access to his kids (the wife often threatens to take the kids far away, rendering his access to them logistically impossible), given the court bias in places like the United States which still operate on antidiluvian principles such as the mother being the automatic choice for primary custody unless substantive reasons exist why not. In that scenario, where the mother is almost guaranteed custody, why would "the kids" be a valid reason for wanting to stay, since she'd get them anyway? Or, is this perhaps an admission on her part that she's perhaps not the better parent after all, and that the courts will - in being confronted by her obvious failings as a wife (given her husband's affair) also recognise her obvious failings as a parent? So, perhaps his straying was understandable, then - he was simply looking for better - not only for himself, but for his kids.

· Desire to keep the family intact

While this might appear at first glance to be a duplicate of the "for the kids" reason, on closer inspection it's saying something a little more: that the wife needs the husband, and not just the kids, in order to be a "proper" family. That, somehow, just her and them falls short of what "family" is, to her. It's a recognition of the husband's importance as father, and an admission of her own limitations as mother. So far, so honest - but, at the same time, many of these bitter betrayed wives will tell you what utter rubbishes their husbands are, how morally corrupt and how spiritually impoverished. Which makes one wonder - is that the kind of person she'd want bringing up her children? Surely not! Either she'd want to remove her children from the pernicious influence of such a moral code - or, she doesn't really think his behaviour is quite so bad, after all. She can't have it both ways, after all.

· Poor Health

This is a more explicit version of the admission that she's not parentally adequate; that she has limitations and needs the "terrible, awful husband" to keep the family going, because she can't do so on her own. It's also a statement of her own, personal materialism - no matter how big the issue is, she's not prepared to let her morals get in the way of her own material comfort. She knows that there will be less money to go round after a divorce - there usually is, given that the income/s which previously funded one household now have to cover two - and she's not prepared to take a dip in living standards. Oh, and lose access to the benefits which accrued to her through association with him - which were not hers in her own right, but were only bestowed on her in her role as his wife - such as medical aid, pension or insurance. So, she'd rather sell her principles for her comfort. Isn't that how sex workers operate - providing "personal services" for material gain? So then, how do "wives who stay" distinguish themselves from prostitutes - aside from using that term perjoratively at the "other woman" as if that creates distance between the label and themselves?

· Financial reasons

See above. So, we're down to 11 reasons, then.

· Convenience

Another twist on the above. So, we're down to 10 reasons, then.

· Bad timing

Yet another spin on the same argument. 9 reasons left.

· Unwillingness to give up current lifestyle

Still another version of the same reason. Right, 8 reasons standing.

· Fear of being alone

And here, yet another admission that she's not all that and a bag of chips. That, if she loses the good thing she's got, no other right-thinking man will touch her. Perhaps she has good reasons to believe this - perhaps she's let herself go, as so many smug complacent wives (the kind who neglect their husbands; the kind whose husbands are likely to stray) do; perhaps she's a nasty piece of work whose social circle exists only through the efforts of her husband - and perhaps she's reality-based enough to realise this, after her discovery of the affair; or perhaps she realises that the reason her husband has strayed is about her, and not about him. Either way, it's an admission that his straying was justified, and that she's lucky to have him - or any small part of him. So - a subset of "his behaviour wasn't so bad" - which brings it down to 7 reasons.

· Belief that it won’t happen again

Somehow, if she closes her eyes and counts out loud, Tinkerbell will come back to life, Father Christmas will really exist and Snow White will wake up when the prince kisses her. Einstein allegedly defined insanity as the belief that the same behaviours would lead to a different outcome. Whichever way, without a lot of work, it's perverse stupidity to believe it won't happen again. She'll just have to shut her eyes tighter next time, to be able to sustain her denial.

· Religious beliefs

More of the fairy story stuff, above. 6 Reasons left.

Else, a contradiction in itself. If your religious convictions are so strong that they forbid you from marrying (what's this - trailer park in the US deep south? And he's your first cousin, right? And the other woman was your mother?) yet they don't have a problem with marital infidelity, then you're reading from a religious text that's been cut & pasted from the proper version. Go ahead and sacrifice your firstborn on the altar, and turn yourself into a pillar of salt. At least you'll serve some socially useful purpose then.

· Loyalty

This is either a subset of "love", below, or of "keeping the family intact", above, or "religious beliefs", immediately above. 5 Reasons left.

· Love

Now this bit I really don't understand. You're persisting in loving someone when love ain't loving you back? That's insanity, in my opinion. Stupidity. Poor self esteem and immaturity. Back in primary school, having a crush on a teacher or a pop star was understandable. When you're grown up and have kids of your own, it's just sad. Get a life!

Those reasons, from the horse's (or should that be "nag's"?) mouth - perhaps they make sense to someone out there. Here, on planet sane, they add up to a pretty poor argument...

Will he leave his wife?

Sooner or later, most affairs throw up the question: will he leave his wife?

For some women, that thought puts them into a cold sweat of panic. The thought of their part-time lover arriving on their doorstep, doe-eyed and docile, asking to be taken in, causes them to break out in hives. For other women though, it is the culmination of a slowly-blossoming dream.

For some wives - those who suspect, fear, or know that their husbands have other irons in the fire - the question hangs heavy, too. If they've not already thrown him out, they're often hoping he'll stay, choosing the wife or the family above the other woman. And so, to cater to the women - wives or mistresses - hanging on hoping, blogs everywhere offer up wisdom in the form of checklists.

Infidelity Advice, for example, offers this list:

1. He has a heavy financial investment in her, or in the affair.

If you find financially-related signs of infidelity which indicate that he’s paying her rent, mortgage, car note, utilities, credit card or other major bills; or find signs that he’s regularly depositing money into her bank account, the situation does not look good. Especially if the two of you are married. If he’s willing to use family funds to finance his affair, or keep his mistress happy, this is a very bad sign.

2. He begins to distance himself from you, your family, and mutual friends.

Distancing himself from you can manifest itself in many ways. He may no longer want to go places or do things with you – even things the two of you once enjoyed doing together. He may make excuses, or flat out refuse to attend family gatherings with you, or socialize with mutual friends. These are just a few of the signs that he’s gradually removing himself from your world, and becoming more firmly entrenched in hers.

3. He spends holidays, weekends, or takes regular vacations with her.

The frequency and duration of the time he spends with his mistress can be a big indication that he’s planning to leave you for her. Holidays, weekends, and vacation time are usually reserved for family. If he’s spending couple time, or family time with her, that’s a sure sign that their relationship is more than just a fling.

4. He and his mistress share a common passion.

If he and his mistress have many interests in common, or share a common passion – golf, foreign films, horseback riding, photography, stamp or coin collecting, or some other hobby or pastime that is near and dear to his heart -- the likelihood is very high that he will leave you for her. If he’s doing all the fun things in his life with her, and all the boring, day-to-day things with you, that only increases his desire to be with her.

5. He has bonded emotionally with her.

Has he stopped sharing his inner thoughts with you? Does he no longer discuss his aspirations or the goals he wants to achieve? Do you find out about important things in his life after the fact? If he’s now confiding in his mistress rather than you, the situation is very grave indeed. If she is the first person he calls to talk to when something significant happens to him -- good or bad, he has bonded emotionally with her, and you have ceased to be a priority in his life. If he’s sharing his hopes, dreams, fears, and future plans with her, and constantly turning to her for emotional support, it’s just a matter of time before he leaves you for her.

Of course, real life stories will throw up many examples of men who left, without checking all of those boxes (or perhaps even any of them, to any noticeable degree), as well as men who checked them all, but still stayed put.

But essentially, what the list is offering, is a question: How invested is he in the affair? Common sense tells us that if his investment in the affair is low, he's less likely to leave. Unless, that is, his investment in the marriage is even lower - or unless the affair is simply a convenient escape mechanism to exit a marriage that no longer meets sufficient of his needs. He may leave the marriage, possibly even for the other woman, but may or may not stay with her in that case.

Perhaps more of an indicator is the question: How invested is he in the marriage? Marriage is an economic pact, often with social factors like family and friendship constraints thrown in. Leaving a marriage may equate, in a man's mind, with leaving his family, his friends, his home and neighbourhood. Even if he has checked out of the marriage emotionally, those associated factors might keep him locked in, unable to leave.

Mate Poaching

A recent study, reported in the press, suggests that single women prefer "taken" men. In the study, the single women were significantly more attracted to a man described as attached than to the same man described as unattached, while the attached women were only slightly more attracted to the attached man than to his unattached incarnation.

While some have suggested that this may be due to a fear of intimacy on the single women's part - after all, they're still single - another suggested reason has been that women look for men who can commit, and that men who are committed demonstrate this ability. Or that women prefer men who are housebroken. Or that some other woman having given him the "seal of approval" implies that he's OK.

I suspect it's probably a bit of "all of the above". Single guys can be so needy. A guy who's had his expectations rightsized by a relationship - but who hasn't yet had his head done in by the screwing over of divorce - is a much more attractive proposition than some overgrown adolescent who just wants attractive arm candy to pass him beer during the rugby match. A guy who's learned to leave the toilet seat down, to cook edible meals and to please a woman sexually is far more desirable than some dork who's most meaningful relationship is with his Playstation.

Is it any wonder single women fear intimacy with someone whose idea of a "great night out" is an Adam Sandler movie and catching the game over a cheeseburger and beer at the sports pub? Doesn't the relative sophistication of a Lamborghini and midlife crisis seem that much more attractive, by comparison?

How to Steal a Husband from his Wife

Out of curiosity, I approached several men I know who'd dumped their wives for better prospects, and asked them what had been the clincher which had made them leave. Their answers:

Tami listened to me. She really focussed on me when I was speaking, and took in every word. She asked me questions about what I'd said, showing she'd heard, not just what I'd said but what I'd meant and not been able to say clearly. She looked into my eyes when I was speaking and I felt her looking right into my soul. Wendy had never listened to me like that - she was always busy doing something else when we spoke, often the crossword - and I had felt devalued with her. But with Tami, I knew she was interested in me, not just my paycheque or the convenience of my presence.

The panties. Jenna always wore these sexy lacy panties, sometimes boyleg and sometimes tanga, occasionally a G-string but never anything skanky. But she'd wear these lo-rise jeans and sometimes you'd get the quickest glimpse of them as she bent or moved. It used to drive me wild in the office. My wife never wore any sexy undies - it was always shopping basket bras and granny bloomers, in baggy grey - and Jenna's svelte shape under her form-hugging clothes suited the classiness of the lace. And then, after we finally got it together in the photocopy room that first time, I could think of nothing else but those panties! I tried to put it out of my mind - we had a project deadline looming - but one day there was a padded envelope lying in my in-tray, with the rest of my mail. I opened it without much attention, but inside... yes, the panties! Still wet with her juices! It was so risky, there in the office like that - but that hint of danger, that edge of flirting with the forbidden, had me hooked, and I left my wife just a few weeks later.

We went to Australia, for six weeks. My wife had wanted to come but the kids couldn't be out of school so long, and the trip was supposed to be "business" so I told her I couldn't cut it down, and it would cost way too much to fly the whole family out anyway. But really, I wanted a long enough time with Mandi to see if we could sustain something more than a holiday romance, and I figured that six weeks of living and working together should start to show up some rough patches. But she dazzled! She impressed me in every way - she was a domestic goddess, as well as a sex goddess, and her intelligence and vivacity shone through everything. We had a hectic social life, business took off and we lived the most blissful life imaginable. As soon as I returned, I retained a divorce lawyer, tidied up a few loose ends and flew out to propose to her. She said yes, and the day after the divorce came through, we married. I've never regretted it for a moment!

Alex sent me erotic videos of herself. At first, simply titillating - a hint of a suspender belt below her business suit, or a flash of cleavage as she bent over her desk, but progressively more daring. Lifting her skirt slightly to show she had no underwear. Touching herself. And one, getting really dirty with a Coke bottle. I couldn't wait to watch them when I'd see these huge files arriving in my email inbox - I'd lock my door and close my blind and grab a handful of tissues for the floods that were about to burst from my loins! I thought, any woman who knows how to please a man like this is not someone to let go of!

Candice was great with the kids. They really took to her. I thought, they love her almost as much as I do. Bev had turned into a menopausal monster, all facial hair and full-blown anger, and we spent as much time away from the house as possible, so it was really great to find someone the kids could relate to. They still think of her more as a friend than a step-mom.

I was so lonely after years of emotional neglect in the marriage. Lindy was a breath of fresh air. Speaking to someone about my interests, my fears, my dreams and my life felt awkward at first, but after a while it seemed so natural that I spent every lunch break with her. And we had so much in common! When I found out we were both keen photographers, I suggested looking at each other's work - and things just developed from there.

Katja told me that if I didn't leave my wife and make her the only woman in my life, I'd lose her. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but it certainly focused my mind! I couldn't lose Katja, so I knew I had to act. Divorce was easier than I'd feared, and Katja's been worth every bit of it!

This is going to sound shallow, but hell, who could let a stunner like Charlotte slip through their fingers - especially when Mary had completely let herself go, looked a fright and made absolutely no effort in the marriage? I'd have been daft! Mary got a good pay-out, so she can't complain - but I certainly got the better deal!

Love. There was nothing else I could do. My heart, my soul, my body belonged to Kate. I couldn't keep up the pretence with Nancy any longer.

"I hate my wife"

My dearest Love,

No, my only love. You are the only one I love, the woman I yearn for and reach out for, the one I dream of and the one I hold in my heart. When we spoke earlier you asked about my wife, did I not care about her also, could she not make me happy - as I'd said you do. I said then that I didn't want to blight our time together with talk of unpleasant things, but now - as I lie here alone in this great big bed, missing your warmth and your softness of your voice in my ear - I can't help but dwell on that question.

My wife is downstairs, watching TV. She is angry and keeps changing channels - the sound is turned up very loud to make everyone aware of how angry she is. The kids have already asked her to turn it down so they can sleep, and been told to shut their doors if it's too loud. All three doors between them and the TV are shut, and it's still too loud. I dug out some earplugs I use on the plane and gave those to them, but I see my daughter is playing her iPod instead.

Does my wife make me happy? I don't honestly think she could. She can't even make herself happy. She is the most negative person I've met - nothing is ever pleasant, good or enjoyable, she always sees the bad in everything and everyone. Her father used to call her "misery mouse" as a child. She would always try to spoil everything for everyone, it was never good enough. An exquisite meal in a fancy restaurant would be hellish because the waiter didn't immediately abandon the other patrons he was serving and rush to attend to her changed mind, or the woman three tables away had the same handbag, or she was sure that the maitre d' had looked oddly at her. And the food would be "too rich" or "too spicy" or "too fattening", never good enough no matter how perfect. Holidays, too - Europe was passe, Turkey was loud, Africa was backward and god forbid you suggested a local holiday instead of three trips abroad each year! Five star resorts with free food and drink it had to be, so she could get completely inebriated each day and eat solidly until she could barely fit into the seat on the return flight, only to blame everyone else for allowing her to eat that much on holiday!

No, my wife can never make me happy. She is a very nasty person, though she can hide that quite well when she first meets people. She deliberately humiliates me and the kids in public, and she seeks constantly to put people down - her family, her workmates - even her boss. She is on a final warning at work because of her destructive behaviour. She has very low self esteem but will not admit that, so hides it by trying to reduce others to her level.

I need to leave her, for my own sanity, but I am afraid. I am afraid for the children - when I speak of leaving she threatens to kill herself, sits there with the vegetable knife screaming and sobbing until they beg and plead with her not to do it, and then tells them it's my fault for wanting to leave, that I am driving her to that. I don't know what else to do so I put all talk of leaving aside, once more, and focus on calming the kids.

I'm afraid for her - when she doesn't get her way she becomes very destructive, of others or, if that doesn't work, of herself. She has been hospitalised before for attempted suicide, and has self-harmed and done other stupid things like driving off alone, drunk, in the middle of the night to god knows where. She has alienated every friend she ever had, and has no one to turn to support - aside from us, her family. She doesn't trust doctors or counsellors and she won't admit she has a problem. So, she remains our problem. Leaving would abandon her to a future she couldn't cope with - and our kids would suffer.

I'm afraid for myself, too - if I leave her, how would I live with the guilt of what became of her, of the pain I'd put the kids through, of the loss of their family and lifestyle and home? How would I cope with that loss - the comfortable predictability of Paris in the spring, fish for dinner on Friday, the way home from work on autopilot? How would I explain to my parents that I failed - that I tried to save her from herself but couldn't, that I made a family that I couldn't sustain? How could I convince my staff to respect my judgment as a manager if I can't even succeed at my own marriage?

But mostly, I'm afraid for you, and for us. What if I leave, and we make a life together, and it doesn't work out, either? We'd both have left successful - if not perfect - lives only to be stuck in a purgatory of failed expectations, bitter disillusionment and crumbled dreams, surrounded by the shrapnel of our histories and our aborted futures. I can't guarantee you happiness, I can't promise you success, I can't underwrite hopes and dreams. I am so afraid of messing up again, of ruining things for you, too - the one I love and care for above all else. I am so afraid.

I am so confused, so torn and muddled. I want you, and I can't face the prospect of a life without you. But I don't know how to get there without even more hurt for everyone.

She has switched the TV off, so I am going to go now - and pretend that I am asleep so that she doesn't try to force herself on me, so I don't have to face the accusations - "why don't you find me attractive anymore?" - when she already knows the answers she denies. I can't face the thought of her beery breath in my face, her bloated carcass heaving itself onto me, her fat fumbling fingers ripping away at my pyjamas, trying to torment arousal out of my repulsed body. Ugh!

I love you my precious. Keep me in your dreams, and in your heart, as you are in mine.

Yours, always.

The Marital Bed

It would appear that, for many "betrayed spouses", using the marital home - but especially the marital bed - for extramarital sex represents a shag too far. The violation of its "sanctity" is seen by some as the ultimate disrespect for both the marriage and the spouse - possibly even the family, though it might be stretching a point to claim that a marital bed somehow symbolises those who are themselves excluded from it.

Among many "Other Women" too there seems to be a point of honour in not trespassing between another woman's sheets - as if having her husband were somehow on a different moral axis to the physical surrounds of the bedroom. Which seems to me a little fine a point - a bit like eating the ice cream but chucking the cone, in order to watch one's calory intake.

Of course I visited my lover at his - then, their - home. Of course we slept together in the marital bed. In both senses - we had the most rampant, defiant sex; and we had the most peaceful, innocent sleep. She was away, holidaying; we had the run of the house, and used every inch. Surface by surface, he reclaimed the house he'd been alienated from.

On her return, fatter and frumpier than ever, she oozed back into command, shifting all the furniture back from the way we'd rearranged it, replacing our bright, sunny artwork with cheap, tacky tourist kitsch and tasteless tat. Walking into the bedroom, he stared aghast at this alien, adipose atrocity and was overcome, very physically, by extreme nausea that kept him up all night. The next morning he moved into the "spare" bedroom, unable to tolerate the sight of her clothed or naked, unable to sustain an erection if she entered his mind, unable to bear the sound of her breathing or the smell of her presence. She seemed not even to notice, less to care.

Did she burn the bed, when she accepted that there had, actually, been "someone else"? Did she leave the house? No, she clung on, as long as she could - ceding the house only with the finality of the divorce, taking the bed with her. I wonder if she knows just how deep our - his and my, mixed - body fluids run in her mattress...

Sweet dreams, my Lady Macbeth.

Why Men Stay

"If he's so unhappy, why doesn't he just leave?"

"If he really loved you, and not his wife, he'd move mountains to be with you!"

"He can't be that unhappy, because he's still with her and not with you!"

Other Women are often told these things, sometimes as "tough love" and sometimes with outright malice, in an attempt to get them to see that they really are just "a bit of tail on the side" and not the soulmate they may have been led to believe they were. And, while sometimes it may be true, in many other cases it's not.

Men stay with their wives for a number of reasons, including:

• Better the devil you know. Particularly in marriages of any length, the partners will have built up a comfortable routine and understanding. They'll know not to expect cheerful conversation before the first cup of coffee in the morning, and they'll know not to interrupt during the news headlines. A new partner doesn't - and, frankly, who has the energy to learn someone new's foibles and housebreak them gently to yours when you barely have the energy to pick your clothes up off the floor?
  
• Is it the real life? Is this just fantasy? Many affairs take place in the lee of the storm, sheltered from the humdrum routine and the daily drudgery that expands to fill so much of the day. Holidays in exotic locations and stolen moments bursting with passion may not be enough to sustain a long-term full-time relationship, and he may feel he is risking giving up something imperfect but adequate for a complete gamble. Especially if...
• The patter of tiny feet. If there are kids involved, all kinds of fears arise. From scary stories about kids from broken homes becoming delinquents to worrying who will tuck them in at night, "leaving the marriage" equates in many men's minds with "losing the kids" - however irrational this may appear in the light of more enlightened custody arrangements and better social support networks.
  
• Money, money, money. For many men, divorce does imply a reduction in their standard of living. The same amount of income is now required to support two homes where only one was required before, and where custody is shared, there is a level of duplication required to ensure that the kids' needs are adequately provided for in both homes. While this can be ameliorated if they move in with their lovers, there is often a reluctance to do so as this in some countries can lead to the inclusion of the lover's income for the purposes of determining the financial settlement. And then, of course, there's the cost of the divorce itself...
  
• A Man of Honour. In some communities, men who leave their wives for other women are looked down upon, and suffer real reputational damage. Depending on their social or organisational placement, this could have dire consequences for their career, or their income potential.
  
• Don't leave me this way. And, mostly, they have some residual affection for their wives, and don't wish to see them suffer through abandonment - both materially, and reputationally. The public humiliation of being scorned and tossed aside is not something he would easily wish upon someone he once loved enough to marry, particularly if she bore his children.
• All in the family. Dumping his wife means splitting the families they've joined. He may have no quarrel with his in-laws, and may even be close to them - but it's a package deal, in most cases. Dump the wife and you lose the family. His own family too may find a looming split threatening - they may like the wife, or they may fear that their access to their grandchildren / nieces and nephews may be curtailed, or they may fear that he may want to move back in with them "while he finds his feet". If his parents are ageing, he's unlikely to want to push this level of rupture on them.
  
• Fear of the unknown. Many men fear change. While the home zone may no longer feel comfortable or "right", changing partners is mostly not simply that. Usually it involves a great many ancillary changes - home, lifestyle, work pattern, neighbours, routine, perhaps even social circle. This scale of change can appear very daunting, if all he wants is to rub one face out of the Happy Families picture and replace it with another.
  

These are merely some of the more common reasons trapping men in unhappy marriages - there are a great many more. All of which build up what may seem like a truly insurmountable obstacle to leaving. How then do some men get it right to leave?

M/Endings

Lena's cheeks puffed and wobbled as great sobs shook her body. The soggy tissue oozed through her fingers as her knuckles whitened. A bubble popped in her nostril and droplets clung to her unwaxed upper lip.

"Are you sure?" asked Mina. "It's possible that Tina got the story wrong!"

Lena shook her head. "No, it's true. Gina asked his sister, and she gushed about it - showed her photographs he'd sent to her phone. Apparently some stunning exotic location, followed by a heavenly honeymoon!" she spat bitterly. "He didn't even tell me he was seeing someone! Or rather, still seeing the cow!"

Mina sighed. She'd heard, too, that Lena's ex-husband had married his long-term girlfriend the moment his divorce from Lena was through - only, she'd heard it from Lena's kids, who'd made her swear not to tell Lena, yet. They didn't think she'd handle it too well - she'd taken the divorce very badly, after all - being dumped for a stunner only a few years younger than herself, and hearing that her husband had been seeing this woman for years while preparing for a future with her.

"What about Leon, though?" Mena asked. "How are things going with him?"

Lena sobbed even louder. "That's over!" she spluttered through sodden tissue shreds. "He told me he was sick of my moping over Deon, that he wasn't prepared to be a Plan-B guy and that if I still had feelings for Deon I had no business in his bed!"

Mena put her arm around Lena and had it viciously shrugged off. She recoiled, but remembered that one of the grumbles Deon - and more recently Leon - had had about Lena was her aversion to physical touch. Sex had been "nasty, brutish and short - rather like Lena herself", Deon had once said in a moment of rare bitterness. Mostly he'd kept his feelings to himself, silent and shrouded in misery - except when he was out with Sheena. Then he dazzled, while Sheena glowed - Mena could not recall having ever seen such a radiant couple.

"Well, there are plenty more fish in the sea," Mena sighed. "I'm sure you'll meet someone more suited to you soon enough!"

"I don't want someone else!" Lena wailed. "I want Deon back! I wasn't serious about the divorce - I just agreed to it thinking he'd change his mind and beg to come back, and I'd renegotiate a better agreement and we could start afresh!"

"You knew he was seeing Sheena, though - he told you he was leaving you for her. And that she was moving in with him and the kids! They told you that, too!"

Lena shook her head. "I didn't think that would last. I thought that once the excitement of the affair was over, and they lived together all the time and had to deal with the day to day drudgery, he'd realise soon enough what he was missing and come running home! And I thought having the kids... that's why I agreed to their going to live with him! I thought, she'll see soon enough it's not a long holiday anymore, and he'll see her without all her glamour and sparkle and she'll look just as dowdy and gone to seed as he said I look, and the kids... I was sure the kids would hate her for breaking up their home and would make it hell for her!' Lena sobbed. "But they didn't! They didn't even want to come and visit me anymore! And when I went to their school play they were embarrassed! They didn't want anyone to see then talking to me!"

"Well," Mena sighed, "they're married now and she's his wife, there's nothing you can do about that. You need to focus on your own life, and move on - for the kids' sake, as well as your own!"

"I hate her!" Lena screamed. "She stole my husband! She stole my kids! And they've moved into the house I always fantasised about buying - that big one on the hill! It's not fair!"

Mena's phone chirruped to remind her of an appointment. "Sorry Lena, have to go. Speak again soon!" she called as she trotted off to her car. She closed the door and replied to Tina's text message - "yes, Lena is in a really bad way. Too bad she didn't listen to us all along. Seems Leon is off the scene now too - and I doubt any guy will look twice now - she looks really bad." She turned the ignition and drove slowly away, watching Lena slump lower and lower through her rear view mirror until she was no longer visible.

Letting Go

Kari was waiting when Barry arrived at the coffee shop. She'd been waiting for an hour already - she made sure to get there early as she regarded it as a Most Auspicious Occasion. Barry had refused to take her calls or respond to her emails and had insisted that she deal with his lawyer, just as he had addressed all of his correspondence to her lawyer. Even messages sent via the children had been rebuffed - quietly, calmly and gently, but rebuffed nonetheless. This change of heart signalled something to her, and she could barely contain her excitement.

She'd originally proposed meeting at the house. "The old house," Barry called it, though Kari still referred to it as "our house". She'd wanted to show Barry how she'd fixed it up nicely since he'd left, redecorated it in spring colours to buoy her spirits - though spring would forever carry the association of his leaving, now. But Barry had insisted on a neutral venue, and had resisted her suggestions of local placed they'd frequented in happier times. This chain coffee shop seemed impersonal and clinically efficient - her table had been wiped down twice since she'd finished her skinny latte 45 minutes ago and the waitress had asked several times if she wanted anything further. She wanted to snap, "yes, to be left alone" - she couldn't see the need for such harassment when the coffee shop was almost empty and the table was not in demand, but she bit her tongue. Barry had said, after all, that her aggression toward people spoke to a fundamental lack of respect for others that he could no longer live with, and she was determined to show him she'd changed.

Finally he arrived, exactly on time. She stood up as he approached, eager for him to see the care with which she'd prepared, the flattering fall of her new dress that emphasised the weight she'd been losing, the high heels she knew he fancied on women. He greeted her perfunctorily and ducked her kiss, sitting down at the table and fastening his eyes on the menu. He ordered a short cappuccino and pulled a manila envelope out of his pocket.

"These are the current financial statements I've left with your lawyer," he said, cutting through her enquiries about his health. "But also the grounds for my petition which I'll be filing later. I know you said you were going to file, but I've waited six months now and there's been no movement. Your lawyer confirmed that you'd cancelled the meeting you'd promised for last week, and not rescheduled, and that your last meaningful contact with their office had been two months ago when you received the forms you've yet to complete and return. Their calls, emails and letters have gone unanswered and they consider the case 'cold'."

Barry pushed the envelope towards her. "I think you'll find I've been fair, although you may not like the content, but I can't wait on you forever. You've ruined enough of my life already, I can't be held hostage by your ill will any longer. Oh, and you'll see I've reviewed what I'm asking - my previous proposal was generous in the extreme but after taking advice from several sources I've decided that the comfort levels are not encouraging you to move on with your life and that is becoming increasingly difficult for me. So, these are my new terms, fully endorsed by my lawyer as fair, and if you wish to contest you'll need to motivate why you consider them unreasonable."

Kari stared into her empty cup as the tears massed under her lashes. She hoped she'd remembered to use the waterproof mascara even though the other one was less clumpy. "I'd hoped," she whispered hoarsely," that we could make another go of it. You know, the kids miss you so when you're not there - I know you have them half of the time, but really, the house is so empty without you. No one drops by anymore now you're gone. And I've made the house so pretty..." Her voice rose plaintively as a teardrop burst through the lash trellis and plopped down on the table.

An impatient sigh stormed from Barry's lips. He'd heard from the children about the unending decorating, the fussing and expense, the descent into coffee table kitsch that drove them to the safety of their rooms. The children were one of the primary reasons he needed the divorce finalised. They wanted the security of closure, not the vain hopes their mother kept painting when they saw, on the other side, how happy Barry was with Lari at his house, and how happy they were too, included and engaged. Not the morgue-like isolation of the old house. They wanted stability, finality. Could Kari not see that dragging this on was only hurting them?

"The sooner this is finalised, the sooner you'll be free to remarry," Barry stated coldly. "You needn't be trapped by your indecision and emptiness forever. I'm sure you'll find someone," he smiled pityingly, "or downscale to a smaller place once the kids are gone in a year or so."

"Are you still with that woman?" Kari asked. The kids told her so little these days, but then teenagers were like that. She had no idea whether the homewrecker was still on the scene or not. When the kids had heard her talking on the phone about "Barry's slut" they'd slammed the door and left. She'd had to cancel the party she'd organised them that evening as they hadn't come home. She was a little more careful what she said around them, now.

"If you're referring to my fiancee," Barry's voice was icy, "it's absolutely none of your business. Your business is to protect your own interests in the divorce settlement, and to parent our children to the best of your ability." He stood up. "What part of 'it's over' are you not getting? Can you not muster a shred of dignity and move on?"

He drained the last of his coffee and placed a banknote on the table. "I'd hoped you'd be a little more mature about this," he said sadly. "The children are taking strain and have asked to spend more time with us. Me and Lari. Their counsellor will probably contact you about it - they're proposing every second weekend with you, and the rest with us." He paused. "Once that's agreed, we can work out the financial adjustments, but in the meantime I'm prepared to continue with the finances as they stand, as if they're with us equally. Your lawyer will advise you in due course."

Barry glanced at his watch and turned to leave. "Perhaps you ought to get counselling," he suggested as he left.

Kari choked back a sob. It was her counsellor who'd helped prepare her for this meeting, after she'd been so excited at the prospect of a reconciliation. They'd discussed possible terms, the necessity for relationship counselling, the way Kari should play the meeting so as to demonstrate her willingness without seeming so keen that she relinquished any bargaining power she had. She needed, after all, to be able to insist that the slut be consigned to the rubbish bin of history, so that they could rebuild solidly. This was not what either of the had seen coming.

The waitress hovered impatiently. "Can I get you anything else?" she repeated slowly. Kari shook her head and started to rise. "Then," the waitress asked, pushing the bill towards Kari, "would you mind paying for your latte before you leave?" Kari glanced down and noticed that the money Barry had left covered the cost of his cappuccino only, and some change for a tip. Kari sank back down into her chair and looked out of the window as Barry's car pulled out of the parking lot and drove hastily away. "On second thoughts," she asked, "can I have a chocolate sundae, with lashings of cream?"